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The Painful Truth

April 14, 2010

‘Gimme the truth, even if it hurts me.’

– Good Charlotte

Sometimes we need the truth; ‘try that top with a different skirt’, ‘don’t dye your hair that colour, I don’t think it would suit you’, ‘I’m sorry, I can’t come to your party.’ Half the time we wouldn’t know what was going on without evidence; the truth. But obtaining and hearing the truth is not always easy. Some truths are much more difficult to hear; ‘that skirt isn’t very flattering’, ‘i don’t love you anymore’ or, one of the worst, ‘he’s just not that into you.’

The worst truths are the ones that are staring you in the face. The painful truths like the ones above; you already know. You know that the texts with no reply, endless ‘i can’t make it tonight’s and mixed messages clearly don’t mean he’s madly in love with you. You know in the back of your mind that if he was really into you, you’d know. The experience of truth demands a lot of denial. And I’ve had it by the truckful.

But sometimes hearing it from someone else is what really opens your eyes. Because they saw it too. They saw when your denial blinded you from seeing. And then you feel stupid. Because everyone else already knew.

And receiving the truth can shake the foundations of everything you’ve ever believed in. It can change the way you think, how your handle experiences and how you feel about certain people. Cleared judgement can be a painful and confusing thing. I personally believe ignorance is bliss. I’d rather not know something that could hurt me. But you just know. And having someone else announce your doubts as truth is unbelievably painful.

In the book ‘he’s just not that into you’, they make out that once you realise someone isn’t, well, that into you, it’s a liberating experience that brings you a new lease of life and you can then go on with your life feeling enlightened. Not for me. It made me horrifically depressed. It made me realise that none of the guys I’d ever dated or had relationships with were really that into me. Which is a pretty painful feeling. I still think about it now. It tells you he isn’t into you, but it doesn’t tell you how to recover from that emotional landslide. I don’t know who the women were who felt liberated. I just feel insecure, ugly, paranoid and unwanted.

When you find out someone isn’t that into you, you’re not really sure what to do. You feel like you need to accuse them of this. You try to deny it; you use things they’ve said, done and sent as evidence against it. But some nice words don’t make up for all the times you’ve sat up crying because they haven’t turned up again, let you down again, or just got on with their life without contacting you. Coupled with pathetic excuses.

It’s like a break up, but you know you don’t really have a right to mourn and be upset in the same way as a break up. I mean, you weren’t really together were you? Not really? Even though you’d spent 6 months thinking he was the only one and he spent 6 months considering you one of many.

It’s hard, and I’m going to find it especially hard. But it’s true. And I suppose you have to start moving on, as painful as it is. And it’s hard not to read the texts and letters that made you think he actually was interested and just needed time. And maybe things will change, but they probably won’t.

Truth is, he’s just not that into you. And you need to find someone who is. Simple isn’t it? ://

We need the truth. It’s painful and horrible and is can try to destroy us. But it will make us stronger. How can we make a decision without knowing everything? Judges, doctors, police… they all demand the truth. But it is hard. But knowing it can help us make better decision, and ultimately stop us from wasting our time.

It’s hard, but in time we’ll look back on this and realise we did the right thing.


Charlotte xxx

4 Comments leave one →
  1. Sean permalink
    April 14, 2010 10:29

    chin up kiddo x

  2. BIBC permalink
    April 21, 2010 18:15

    I find a relationship like that is like waking up in the morning under my covers all warm and comfortable,

    I know it will end,
    I know it should end,
    I know I have things I had to do

    But I keep thinking of the excuses, 5 more minutes.

    When you do get up, walk around a bit, you find it is bitterly cold and try to get back into bed, but something has changed you find the covers have lost the warmth and comfort.

    I’ve always asked for nothing more than the truth, I’ve found power in truth, lies make me feel powerless.
    I find the freedom or the feeling of liberation comes from knowing the truth and making a decision.
    With the truth you can make a choice and have confidence that your choice is the right one, ever made a good choice based on a lie?

    • April 21, 2010 18:37

      You are so right.
      That is a fantastic metaphor.
      I always think things will change. He’s had 6 months and nothing has. Like in the song, he just keeps me hanging on.
      But I’m not anything, and I never was. I’m just the girl he turns to when he feels lonely. I’ve never been a girlfriend, I’m not even an ex.
      But why does he keep making these promises?
      I think we’ve all been there. We’ve all found someone and believed that everything is worth fighting for. Until we realise that we’re the only one fighting.
      It makes me sad. I cry about us all the time. My friends won’t hear it anymore; they’ve had enough, and I don’t blame them.
      I just wish I could finally say enough is enough.
      But the truth is I’ve been doing really well not seeing him for 4 weeks. But I know I’ll fall straight into the trap when I get back to uni.
      How can someone reduce a strong, independent woman who knows what she wants and does everything she can to get what she wants, into a desperate, needy mess?
      You are right about the truth, and I know he’ll never give it to me. But I’m scared of the truth. Because it means all my excuses and all the fantasies I’ve made up are just that, fantasies.
      There’s one bit in the book that made so much sense to me;
      “so right now i’m just trying to notice when a guy’s behaviour starts making me feel bad about myself- when I start feeling like he’s making me suffer. A little pang of disappointment because he didn’t call when he said he would? Well that’s okay; we’ll see how it goes. A constant sense of uneasiness because he’s completely unreliable? That’s bad. Tears? Really bad. Meeting someone you like and dating him is supposed to make you feel better not worse. ”
      it makes me want to cry it’s so like our relationship. the amount of times i sat up crying because he hadn’t turned up. again.
      i used to call him excuses boy. he always has a new one.
      I love it when you comment my blog- my replies always end up nearly as long as the post itself!!


      • BIBC permalink
        April 21, 2010 19:44

        I’m glad you like my comments, I also read your fashion posts but fashion is a strange world to me, so I can’t really give any useful/interesting input or comments.

        Where as I am able to relate to this post as I have friends who have been in, are in and forever will be in relationships like yours.

        I’m tempted to read the book now, I don’t normally read books that don’t contain a picture a page….being a manga fan has it’s disadvantages I guess.

        I can tell you really did try hard in the relationship, calling him ‘excuses boy’ tells me that you tried to turn one of his bad traits into a joke to make it easier to deal with, I guess he wasn’t the only one making excuses in the end.

        Being a strong, independent woman who can fight on her own is great, but so is finding someone who can break through all your defences…you just need to find someone who will also show up on time 🙂

        Will you get trapped? Will you say enough is enough? In the end there is no right answer, i’d love to sit here and say that you should say no blah blah blah, but it is your choice and i’m sure you will do what is best for you, your a strong indepented woman remember? 😛

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