home sweet home?
So I’m back in Birmingham now. Home alone and feeling a bit lonely.
I hate having an hour or so to kill. I can never find anything to do that doesn’t take up loads of time. I have work at 8.30 so I’ve got about 40 minutes before I have to leave.
Next door are having a BBQ and I have the back bedroom so I can see them from my desk, and I know they can see me which makes me a ittle uncomfortable.
Living in two places is weird. You never feel like you completely belong anywhere. Well, the last year or so I’ve realised how much I do belong in Birmingham. I’m so happy here, I have so many friends here. I love it. But I also feel like being home has meant I’ve missed out a bit. A lot of my friends have been back for a while now and I feel like I’ve missed loads of things they’ve been doing while I’ve been home. I have this major hatred and fear of being left out and forgotten about. It’s something that haunted me with my up-and-coming year abroad. I’m scared everyone is going to move on without me.
I have enjoyed being home. I just miss my friends and my independence and hate being smothered. I hate that I feel so isolated. At uni my friends live in my house, or within 5 minutes walk. I can walk to the library or to the shops. I can be out and about and I love it. And home no-one lives that close.
I still have a lot of great friends at home, but I do miss my friends at uni when I’m home. I don’t know, they’re like my soul mates. We all have our home friends, but we all loved being together again.
I don’t know, it’s weird. I moaned so much in the second last to week for being home that I wanted to be back. I did. But I do like being at home. I do like being looked after and my mum buying me things. But I love my uni life. And it is that, a different life.
I think it all comes back to the fact I don’t like change. I like being comfortable, I like planning, I like routine. And I don’t like that being disrupted.
And I also like to have lots of friends in different places, but I hate being left out. And I’ve started to realise if you want to have lots of different friends you have to miss out sometimes. You have to spend equal time with all of them, and you have to prioritise.
I’m different people at home and at uni. It’s just very odd.
In my first year I hated uni and lived to come home and see my boyfriend and family. Now I’m much more settled it’s weird coming home. But I’ve grown up a lot this past year. But it doesn’t make going away any less scary.
And I dunno, this is probably just because I’m alone and it’s a bit weird and now my parents have left I miss them. I should probably go get ready for work soon. At least then I’ll see people and my friends and my housemates are back tomorrow and everything will go back to normal :]]]
I’ll try to update as much as I can now I’m back, but exams are my priority I’m afraid :[[[
Love you all :]]]